But what would I dedicate myself to? Like I said before, a ritual without a purpose is like a door that doesn’t lead anywhere. It can be a beautiful door, and a real experience to pass through it, but if it doesn’t actually take you anywhere then the exercise is pointless… right?
All of the study, the reading, all the research, the talking to people - it’s been a real trip, and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. It’s changed how I think, opened up my mind, and shown me a lot of good things. Admittedly, it‘s led to some really depressing realizations about just how bad the world can be - but it‘s also shown me that it‘s alright to hope as well. Still, what does this all mean? What is my goal? Do I have any plans for what to do with all the things I’m learning? What has anything I’ve learned actually done for me?
I’ve found that I’m learning how to deal with stress better than I used to - as well as anger, sorrow, and the ‘negative’ emotions associated with suffering. I’ve learned to better appreciate the ‘good’ things in life - whenever I’m laughing, feeling at peace, or just walking outside. One basic idea that has really clung to me since I stumbled over it is to completely experience and appreciate Now, with a capital ‘N.’ That, and just do your best to be ready for what’s coming no matter what it is because Now is all we have - and it’s transitory, just like us.
In researching Zen Buddhism, I’ve found and accepted the idea that Enlightenment is not how we typically tend to imagine it. There is no single, sudden, shining moment in which the whole world unfolds and everything suddenly makes sense - that would imply that following enlightenment, there is no work to be done. You might as well just ascend in a beam of light: “game over, I’ve beaten reality.” It doesn’t work that way. Nirvana isn’t a destination or some blissful, Buddhist heaven. It’s a state of mind - and the mind, the illusory self, shifts and changes constantly in it’s little series of Now after Now in every moment of living. Heaven or Hell, Nirvana or Samsara, its our choice. To be able to see that choice, to realize that what is just IS, and how we interpret it is an issue of the mind, is a long work - if you believe in reincarnation, that work may span lifetimes.
It may seem like I’m rambling, but stay with me here.
Looking for pictures depicting doors that don’t lead anywhere, I actually found the picture above at the blog ‘genkaku-again,' specifically, this post which addresses this issue pretty well - I highly recommend the read. Though the post in question is specifically about Buddhism, it’s all about the confusion that comes with trying to find a place to start - and what to do once you think you’ve done it. In other words, passing through a door that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere new. The idea isn’t that anything has changed: in fact, everything is exactly the same. Or as the blog’s author Adam Fisher said in his post,
“…the willingness to walk through the door changes everything. Nothing changes, but everything is changed.”If that’s true, then there might as well not even be a door - right? Is it really all about just choosing to see things differently?
I started out on this search because the dogma I grew up with was no longer satisfying to me. In nearly every path I’ve examined this past year, whether or not it involves any sort of God or faith, I’ve seen one reoccurring theme: Suffering or Not Suffering. “Follow these rules and worship this God or suffer forever.” “Not following these rules causes suffering.” “Perform this spell to end your suffering.“
In Buddhism, from what I’ve been able to glean, it seems to be just this:
“Suffer - or don’t.”
I’ve become fascinated with the concept of the Bodhisattvas - basically, beings who achieve Buddha-hood, but rather than remove themselves from the cycle of birth and death (as well as suffering and pleasure) they decide to stick around and be reborn again and again in order to help others achieve enlightenment as well. At first glance, this seems exceedingly kind and benevolent - but if you keep in mind the belief that all living things are just different facets of the same united reality, the Bodhisattvas are just working to bring all parts of themselves into enlightenment. They work to reduce suffering because allowing others to suffer is to allow oneself to suffer.
My study has lead to me better recognizing my own suffering, and how to move past it - and to slowly learn how to better recognize and lessen the suffering of those around me. My intention is not to cause pain to others - not just because that means causing pain to myself, in the Buddhist ideology - but because it doesn‘t lead to anything. In terms of exploring paganism and magic, it’s been “keep what works and dispose of the rest.” Suffering doesn’t work for me - is it possible to dispose of it?
I can’t save the world - despite my best efforts, I don‘t think that I have the bottomless well of compassion required to become a Bodhisattva. Talking about non-duality is one thing - not getting angry when someone ‘wrongs‘ me in some way is another. However, I can still comfort my younger brother when he hurts himself, I can help carry the groceries in, I can be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for a friend in need, and I can sit in comfortable silence with my boyfriend as the sun goes down and be thankful for his company.
Though I’ve been learning to appreciate Now, it’s easy to fall back into the modern bad habits of rushing from moment to moment, or getting caught up in things that have already happened or haven’t happened yet: so I suppose my goal is to also learn to completely appreciate this existence while I‘m still around to appreciate it.
So what am I doing? What’s my goal? What door am I looking to pass through? My practices and dreams tell me I’m a Witch: but it’s not like there’s anyone I can turn to to initiate me or teach me any traditions. Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism, speaks to me: but there aren’t really any Zendos or temples I can go to for guidance. I’m basically on my own - and maybe that’s not so bad. I’ve referred to myself so far as a Pagan, though what I was referring to in the past was that I’ve adopted many Neopagan ideals and rituals. However, in the sense of someone who just doesn’t belong to any of the Big Three religions and chooses to find spirituality in their own living and reality, it still holds true. ‘Spiritualist’ is also close, but misses the mark - same for ‘Mystic’ or any number of words I’ve found in my quest to understand my feelings and beliefs.
Despite all my desire to make a big to-do of today, it’s been pretty quiet. I went canoeing this past weekend with a friend, and today - typically sedentary muscles groaning at me - I ate salad, had quiet time, walked around outside, attempted to identify some mushrooms growing in the front yard, and was generally just... well, myself.
My only real reason for wanting to perform any sort of ceremony comes from my enjoyment of ritual in general - the structure, the physical actions associated with desire and will, and the basic, personal acknowledgment of what I‘ve been doing for the last year. Like I said, I don’t need to cross through any door to keep studying and searching. I don’t even know what exactly stands on the other side of the door I want to open. Even so, I’m starting to realize that what I find there is my own choice, so perhaps that’s what I’ll dedicate myself to:
Living mindfully, appreciatively, and recognizing that it is always my own choice how I am affected by the world around me.
The real kicker to all of this is that it doesn’t matter at all what I choose to dedicate to, or whether or not I celebrate or recognize what I’ve done in the past. If I really want to appreciate Now, celebrate Now, it’s as simple as just doing it. There’s no reason to complicate any of this. There’s work to be done? Do it. Tired? Rest. Hungry? Eat - and then wash the dishes.
Chop wood and carry water.
Simple enough, right?
steady at all if there was a door like this it feels like to go back to the past
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