Surviving Dreams

Dreams, in the sense of goals, fantasies, desires and wishes for the future, play such a big role in western culture. So much of what we do is about plotting and planning for the future.

We save, we scrimp, we sacrifice and fight to achieve things later - and once they’ve passed, we’re still looking forward. Consumerism in our daily lives provides lots of examples in the ads we see everywhere: buy this insurance so if something happens later you’re prepared. Buy this gum so that if a kiss comes your way your breath doesn’t stink. Buy these clothes so your children will make friends at school. Buy this car to impress a possible date.

Buy these so that you don’t spend thousands on clothes/food/healthcare/college!

Certainly, I’m not saying it’s unwise to plan for the future. We know that an event in the past has direct effect on the future, and we like to be prepared for things. But we focus so much on what’s coming. I’ve been told in the past that we don’t move forward without cause - the only reason we hunt is because we’re hungry for something. We shoot for dreams: once we’ve captured them, we settle in, satisfied - or complacent. It’s either that or find something more to hunt down.

What about me? Do I have dreams?
When I was little, I had your typical ‘kid’ dreams - I was going to grow up to be a writer, or a musician, or a cartoonist. I had ‘goals’ that weren’t really my own - to be an astronaut, or some other lofty, highly skilled profession. That, or, you know, a dinosaur.

Tell me this wouldn’t be an awesome job if it was possible.

 I half-heartedly pursued these goals because I was being told - by my parents, by teachers, by television, by ‘kid’ books - that I was supposed to. My only ‘real’ goals were having a good time and getting along with the people around me, which I think I accomplished fairly well. As I got older, I established my own real goals - though I quickly got used to having my dreams put down, or learning to just deal with it when obstacles come up and seemed to push my desires away from me indefinitely.

In other words, I learned just to not have dreams. Too many disappointments, too many failures, too much hurt, and not enough support. Art played (and plays) a big role in my pursuits - but instead of encouragement, a lot of what I encountered was jokes about starving artists and advice that I’d be better off in nursing or engineering (‘safe’ jobs, in other words.) I even believed for a very long time that I would never actually be happy, and I learned to just accept that as a fact. Thankfully, that’s changed - I rediscovered what it means to be really happy with my life, and to really appreciate everything I have.

If I were to look back, I guess I’ve achieved a number of the goals I once gave up on, one of the broad ones being something along the lines of “Get paid to do art” and another being “be happy with myself.” Check and check. Do I have any dreams left? I’m honestly not sure - I know I have things I’d like to happen one day, goals definitely - but I guess the difference is that I’ve learned to just let things go and be happy with the ‘little’ victories.

I think the downside of dreams is that they can really destroy you, too, if you can’t let go of them sometimes. We’re taught so much that there’s a set, safe route to take: take out loans, go to a good school, settle down and marry your sweetheart, raise some children, retire, then die having lived your life pursuing someone else’s definition of success. So we save and take out loans to go to our ideal schools and get a degree then struggle to find a job with that degree - and whether or not we get it, most of us spend the next 30 years or so trying to pay off that debt. I know lots of people who chased their ’soul mate’ for years, only to have it turn out that their ‘perfect match’ wasn’t The One after all, and faced heart break and disappointment - perhaps a lingering bitterness that means never trying again. Some people have kids too soon, or jump on starting a family before they’re ready for it and get mired in stress and work and child rearing and stop appreciating why they wanted it in the first place. Not to mention the struggle of raising a child, meaning having to invest your time, energy and money into taking care of a being that will most likely resent you for one thing or another as it grows.

"Young Lady, you remind me RIGHT NOW why I didn't buy those condoms!"

 I think the old adage about “better to shoot for the stars and land in the clouds than to live forever on the ground” sums it up pretty well, but leaves out a pretty important note: Reaching those stars would be awesome - but if you can’t deal with just landing in the clouds, maybe you shouldn’t leave the ground in the first place.

My other belief in major goals is that they really shouldn’t define who you are - if you fail at something you’ve put your whole life into, what are you supposed to do with your life? I think the best dreams and goals are a reflection of who you are and the kind of person you are. Do you let the need to go to the perfect school blind you to possible scholarships or opportunities elsewhere? Does your vision of your Perfect Lover keep you from realizing that the person who has been your best friend for years may be trying to be more? When you dream about having children and raising a loving family (and avoiding “the mistakes my parents made”) do you realize that you can’t choose who your kids will be, and that your parents likely thought the same way?

So what about me? DO I have any dreams any more?

I dream about one day getting married to A’jm (man, need to come up with a better code name - I guess until I come up with something I‘ll just go back to saying “my BF“) Neither of us is perfect, but we get along excellently, push each other, challenge each other, and support each other. We laugh together, cry together, and work to make each other happy. I love him, and know that he loves me. Neither of us particularly wants a child now, but we both hope that if and when we do that we‘ll make them happy. I know that I’ll eventually do something to embarrass them or make them resent me (as all parents do) but I’ll still do my best to pass on what I know so that I know there will be someone in the world who will experience joy and love and beauty, but understand the flip-sides of those coins as well. I dream of getting more work getting paid for my art, so that I can support a home and family by the labor of my hands, using skills that I have cherished and work to improve as I grow. I dream about being healthier - and I’m working on all these dreams.

I have many dreams. They may not be spectacular or far reaching, but they are mine. They are basic dreams, and reflect who I am - I am an artist, a woman, a person of the earth, someone who doesn’t believe that growth or success happens in segments or defined periods and eras of ones life.

In no way am I suggesting that anyone should just settle for what they have - if you’re not happy with something, change it. If you want more, get it. Just don’t let it destroy you if you fail. What kind of dream is worth being miserable for the rest of your life if you don’t achieve it? A Dream Deferred might shrivel like a raisin in the sun, but what about a dream you catch, only to find out it wasn't what you wanted after all? With all the disappointment one can run into, you may be tempted to not pursue anything at all and make the same mistake I once did, and just choose to be miserable. I once believed I couldn’t be happy - I am, though, and that’s a big thing for me. You’re either happy, or your not. Barring psychological issues or chemical imbalances, it’s a choice. Dreams are awesome, but life is now.

Right now, I am happy. Are you?