The first post of 2012 has come later than I would have liked - a combination of having a lot of different things I’ve been wanting to post about and an inability to work on that writing has made it so that, until tonight, I’ve had to put it to the side. There’s just been so much to do lately: between school, finding work, taking care of my temporarily disabled father, unfortunate events and even just regular day-to-day chores, there hasn’t been much time for me to work on personal projects, including (much to my chagrin) this blog.
Even more distressing to me, the inability to schedule down-time means that Warden and I haven’t been able to indulge in much romance, a fact that rang particularly true just a few nights ago on the date marking our second year together.
“This isn’t how I wanted to spend our anniversary,” he told me towards the end of a long day, sitting in the car at parking lot to our school. His tone communicated annoyance with himself and life in general. We weren’t able to celebrate that night: the beginning of the day before had been a lot of running around and driving back and forth to take care of errands that couldn’t wait, ending with both of us too tired to stay up together for very long. The morning-of had started early to attend the funeral of one of the most influential teachers (and people in general) of my life, and ended with hanging out with friends - time that seems precious given the looming dissolution of our close-knit group as everyone makes plans for the future, for work, for moving and for transferring schools. Even so, we would have gone out to dinner on our own - but Warden was feeling nauseous, which only lent to his frustration. Both of us were in much better moods by the time we went to bed that night, but the whole day was a bitter-sweet reminder of the importance of just having time for the things you want to do.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dedication - a Year of Blogging
Following my Dream about Doors, I’ve been re-examining my goals and priorities. My year-and-a-day has passed, August 1st 2010 being the day I got my blog running in the first place and Lammas - the holiday I discussed in that post - is today. While it’s not required of me (not to mention I’m not exactly in any sort of initiatory order) I really wanted to perform some sort of dedication to mark the time that‘s gone by and to set a definitive goal for the future.
But what would I dedicate myself to? Like I said before, a ritual without a purpose is like a door that doesn’t lead anywhere. It can be a beautiful door, and a real experience to pass through it, but if it doesn’t actually take you anywhere then the exercise is pointless… right?
All of the study, the reading, all the research, the talking to people - it’s been a real trip, and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. It’s changed how I think, opened up my mind, and shown me a lot of good things. Admittedly, it‘s led to some really depressing realizations about just how bad the world can be - but it‘s also shown me that it‘s alright to hope as well.
Still, what does this all mean? What is my goal? Do I have any plans for what to do with all the things I’m learning? What has anything I’ve learned actually done for me?
But what would I dedicate myself to? Like I said before, a ritual without a purpose is like a door that doesn’t lead anywhere. It can be a beautiful door, and a real experience to pass through it, but if it doesn’t actually take you anywhere then the exercise is pointless… right?
All of the study, the reading, all the research, the talking to people - it’s been a real trip, and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. It’s changed how I think, opened up my mind, and shown me a lot of good things. Admittedly, it‘s led to some really depressing realizations about just how bad the world can be - but it‘s also shown me that it‘s alright to hope as well. Still, what does this all mean? What is my goal? Do I have any plans for what to do with all the things I’m learning? What has anything I’ve learned actually done for me?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Importance of Hope
I don’t feel like I’ve been depressed lately - and certainly, you’d think I’d be able to tell whether I am or am not feeling down. I dealt with depression a lot as a teenager, enough at least that a certain cycle become very recognizable to me, and I would know a few days ahead of time if I was falling into a serious funk.
The world would lose it’s shine, first off. Just small things, like food - even food I really like - not tasting right, mostly sort of ’blah’ or just not good. I’d retreat without realizing it from activities that I love, like listening to music, reading, creating art. My body would ache, I’d maybe feel like I had the flu, and then for several days - maybe weeks or months - I’d feel terrible. As though there was no point in going on.
Obviously, I made it through those years - I’m here now, after all.
With that in mind, I’d like to believe I’d be able to tell the difference between what’s just kind of a ‘blah’ feeling and genuine depression: but here I am, questioning just what it is that’s making me view the world so cynically these days.
In some ways, I feel sort of like maybe I’ve fallen unexpectedly into a fugue, the likes of which I haven’t seen since the days when I still kept half my most used things in a backpack that weighed more than most small children, and a metal locker in a hallway with hundreds of others just like it. Though the past year has been one of mostly peace and self-exploration, I’m become so nervous about the whole world, politics, and people in general. The more I learn about the world around me, the less certain I am that it’s a world worth living in overall. Still, something won’t let me give up on it.
Excuse the analogy, but I guess it’s because I’m sort of like a domestic rat.
The world would lose it’s shine, first off. Just small things, like food - even food I really like - not tasting right, mostly sort of ’blah’ or just not good. I’d retreat without realizing it from activities that I love, like listening to music, reading, creating art. My body would ache, I’d maybe feel like I had the flu, and then for several days - maybe weeks or months - I’d feel terrible. As though there was no point in going on.
Obviously, I made it through those years - I’m here now, after all.
With that in mind, I’d like to believe I’d be able to tell the difference between what’s just kind of a ‘blah’ feeling and genuine depression: but here I am, questioning just what it is that’s making me view the world so cynically these days.
In some ways, I feel sort of like maybe I’ve fallen unexpectedly into a fugue, the likes of which I haven’t seen since the days when I still kept half my most used things in a backpack that weighed more than most small children, and a metal locker in a hallway with hundreds of others just like it. Though the past year has been one of mostly peace and self-exploration, I’m become so nervous about the whole world, politics, and people in general. The more I learn about the world around me, the less certain I am that it’s a world worth living in overall. Still, something won’t let me give up on it.
Excuse the analogy, but I guess it’s because I’m sort of like a domestic rat.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I'm getting older, Too.
WARNING: Downer thoughts ahead.
You know those “blah” kinds of days - I think we all get them sooner or later, some more often than others. Days where everything seems to come together to bring you down: the weather is terrible, you didn’t sleep well, and nothing seems to work quite right. And it doesn’t seem to matter what good things happen, what friends you hang out with, what you eat, what you listen to, nothing feels good or right and it feels like nothing can quite light the spark and get you going again. Sometimes it’s fleeting, and all it takes is one really bright, wonderful thing to get you going again. Sometimes it lingers, and when it does, it’s usually for one of many fairly typical reasons - like realizing, honestly, truly, that you’re getting older: and for just that reason, you can‘t seem to reconcile yourself with the world anymore.
I can’t stand those kinds of days.
A big part of preparing posts for this blog/journal is reading and research - other blogs, articles, updates to online publications, watching documentaries, films, going into forums to ask questions and discuss things, and generally exposing myself to a lot of input from around the world regarding spirituality - and human behavior - overall.
Much to my chagrin, despite my efforts I look around and I can’t understand a lot of what I see. Everything moves so fast now, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any chance of slowing down or catching up if you fall behind. Near total access to anything from around the world allows for flash-in-the-pan celebrity status for the most trivial of things, and people I wouldn’t have ever imagined when I was a child being given five minutes on TV take up News reports for days, weeks at a time with pointless shenanigans.
I can’t tell the difference between enjoyment and ‘ironic’ enjoyment of a lot of things anymore in a culture that embraces and celebrates its worst aspects with shows like “Toddlers in Tiaras,” “Jersey Shore,” or “16 + Pregnant.” Even saying you don’t like these shows doesn’t mean much - it’s been shown that just being exposed to these shows are bad for you. The problem is made worse by the fact that, because so many people watch reality television and it's become a big part of social interaction around the water cooler or at school, if you're not watching the shows, you're left out of the loop. Reality television has also taught a good chunk of the American populace (from a very young age) that immoral and unacceptable behavior is worth money and fame: and that it's okay to be humiliated or to humiliate others rather than question why a behavior is wrong and stop it. This attitude has taken deep roots in the newest generation.
You know those “blah” kinds of days - I think we all get them sooner or later, some more often than others. Days where everything seems to come together to bring you down: the weather is terrible, you didn’t sleep well, and nothing seems to work quite right. And it doesn’t seem to matter what good things happen, what friends you hang out with, what you eat, what you listen to, nothing feels good or right and it feels like nothing can quite light the spark and get you going again. Sometimes it’s fleeting, and all it takes is one really bright, wonderful thing to get you going again. Sometimes it lingers, and when it does, it’s usually for one of many fairly typical reasons - like realizing, honestly, truly, that you’re getting older: and for just that reason, you can‘t seem to reconcile yourself with the world anymore.
 |
| *sigh* |
I can’t stand those kinds of days.
A big part of preparing posts for this blog/journal is reading and research - other blogs, articles, updates to online publications, watching documentaries, films, going into forums to ask questions and discuss things, and generally exposing myself to a lot of input from around the world regarding spirituality - and human behavior - overall.
Much to my chagrin, despite my efforts I look around and I can’t understand a lot of what I see. Everything moves so fast now, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any chance of slowing down or catching up if you fall behind. Near total access to anything from around the world allows for flash-in-the-pan celebrity status for the most trivial of things, and people I wouldn’t have ever imagined when I was a child being given five minutes on TV take up News reports for days, weeks at a time with pointless shenanigans.
I can’t tell the difference between enjoyment and ‘ironic’ enjoyment of a lot of things anymore in a culture that embraces and celebrates its worst aspects with shows like “Toddlers in Tiaras,” “Jersey Shore,” or “16 + Pregnant.” Even saying you don’t like these shows doesn’t mean much - it’s been shown that just being exposed to these shows are bad for you. The problem is made worse by the fact that, because so many people watch reality television and it's become a big part of social interaction around the water cooler or at school, if you're not watching the shows, you're left out of the loop. Reality television has also taught a good chunk of the American populace (from a very young age) that immoral and unacceptable behavior is worth money and fame: and that it's okay to be humiliated or to humiliate others rather than question why a behavior is wrong and stop it. This attitude has taken deep roots in the newest generation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)