Prayer

People pray. A lot. Even atheists pray. It’s not surprising - in America, the numbers are staggering. 92% of Americans in 2010 believed that there is a God, and 83% believe that God answers prayers.

I think that’s amazing, but not particularly surprising.

Our country is known for opportunity, prosperity, and excess - even in the most absolute worst situations one might find themselves in here, it’s typically still feasible that there’s a hospital, or police, or a helping hand one can turn to. If you pray to God to save you and help comes, it’s probably going to feel like a pretty convincing proof that there is a God who answers prayers.

But what about when the prayers go unanswered?

Well, for the faithful (no matter the faith) when ‘God says no’ it’s because it’s “Not part of God’s Plan.”

Hold onto those numbers in your head - remember, over 90% of Americans believe in a God (majority Christian) and over 80% believe he answers prayers. Hold onto that while you read.

The Importance of Hope

I don’t feel like I’ve been depressed lately - and certainly, you’d think I’d be able to tell whether I am or am not feeling down. I dealt with depression a lot as a teenager, enough at least that a certain cycle become very recognizable to me, and I would know a few days ahead of time if I was falling into a serious funk.

The world would lose it’s shine, first off. Just small things, like food - even food I really like - not tasting right, mostly sort of ’blah’ or just not good. I’d retreat without realizing it from activities that I love, like listening to music, reading, creating art. My body would ache, I’d maybe feel like I had the flu, and then for several days - maybe weeks or months - I’d feel terrible. As though there was no point in going on.

Obviously, I made it through those years - I’m here now, after all. 

With that in mind, I’d like to believe I’d be able to tell the difference between what’s just kind of a ‘blah’ feeling and genuine depression: but here I am, questioning just what it is that’s making me view the world so cynically these days.

In some ways, I feel sort of like maybe I’ve fallen unexpectedly into a fugue, the likes of which I haven’t seen since the days when I still kept half my most used things in a backpack that weighed more than most small children, and a metal locker in a hallway with hundreds of others just like it. Though the past year has been one of mostly peace and self-exploration, I’m become so nervous about the whole world, politics, and people in general. The more I learn about the world around me, the less certain I am that it’s a world worth living in overall. Still, something won’t let me give up on it.

Excuse the analogy, but I guess it’s because I’m sort of like a domestic rat.

I'm getting older, Too.

WARNING: Downer thoughts ahead.

You know those “blah” kinds of days - I think we all get them sooner or later, some more often than others. Days where everything seems to come together to bring you down: the weather is terrible, you didn’t sleep well, and nothing seems to work quite right. And it doesn’t seem to matter what good things happen, what friends you hang out with, what you eat, what you listen to, nothing feels good or right and it feels like nothing can quite light the spark and get you going again. Sometimes it’s fleeting, and all it takes is one really bright, wonderful thing to get you going again. Sometimes it lingers, and when it does, it’s usually for one of many fairly typical reasons - like realizing, honestly, truly, that you’re getting older: and for just that reason, you can‘t seem to reconcile yourself with the world anymore.

*sigh*

I can’t stand those kinds of days.

A big part of preparing posts for this blog/journal is reading and research - other blogs, articles, updates to online publications, watching documentaries, films, going into forums to ask questions and discuss things, and generally exposing myself to a lot of input from around the world regarding spirituality - and human behavior - overall.

Much to my chagrin, despite my efforts I look around and I can’t understand a lot of what I see. Everything moves so fast now, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any chance of slowing down or catching up if you fall behind. Near total access to anything from around the world allows for flash-in-the-pan celebrity status for the most trivial of things, and people I wouldn’t have ever imagined when I was a child being given five minutes on TV take up News reports for days, weeks at a time with pointless shenanigans.

I can’t tell the difference between enjoyment and ‘ironic’ enjoyment of a lot of things anymore in a culture that embraces and celebrates its worst aspects with shows like “Toddlers in Tiaras,” “Jersey Shore,” or “16 + Pregnant.” Even saying you don’t like these shows doesn’t mean much - it’s been shown that just being exposed to these shows are bad for you. The problem is made worse by the fact that, because so many people watch reality television and it's become a big part of social interaction around the water cooler or at school, if you're not watching the shows, you're left out of the loop. Reality television has also taught a good chunk of the American populace (from a very young age) that immoral and unacceptable behavior is worth money and fame: and that it's okay to be humiliated or to humiliate others rather than question why a behavior is wrong and stop it. This attitude has taken deep roots in the newest generation.

Apocalypse Prophecies

We humans have some sort of weird obsession with the End of the World. Not just now, but always.  

D'OH

If Family Radio (and their supporters) have it right, it may come at the end of this month. According to others, sometime next year. If you’ve looked around a bit, you’ll know it wouldn’t be the first time in the history of mankind that people have looked at some old books or up at the sky and decided, “Well, this is it! Time to stop planning for the future, because there isn’t one.”

While listening to NPR the other night, I heard a couple who believe in the May 21st date speaking about what they’ve been doing since they believe that the end of the world, or at least the beginning of the end, is coming in just over a week: and everyone who is a truly faithful Christian will be lifted up to heaven. They have budgeted everything so that by the time the 21st rolls around, they will have absolutely nothing left in their savings. The wife (or at least girlfriend, I wasn’t sure from just listening) commented at one point that they have a baby daughter. I admire their faith and resolve, but I was somewhat aghast at the fact that they hadn’t decided to leave just a little money - just in case - because the idea that the world will end on the 21st wasn’t exactly divinely issued.

When is right to hurt someone?

    Sometimes we need to do things that just aren’t nice. How do we know when that is, though? What if no one is actually being hurt, physically - is it better to just stand aside and let something continue?

I’ve been trying to be a ‘better person’ (whatever that means) - and a big part of that is trying not to be ‘unnecessarily cruel.’ That is, don’t gossip, don’t hurt people thoughtlessly, etc. Even if someone raises my ire, better to ignore them and move on than get into an unnecessary conflict. But what is the right course of action if there’s something or someone bothering me, or me and my friends?

    Every week, I gather with friends to watch movies and shows of group interest. It’s an official club recognized by the college we attend, with a club ’mission’ and everything - in not so many words, the purpose of our group is to hang out, watch things, and have a good time. Sometimes we play board games or cards, but for the most part, it’s just a place for us to get together. Most of us have classes or work schedules that prevent us from meeting all together for the rest of the week, so it’s like a weekly reunion.
    Our club has been changing and growing for some years, and gone through splits, unions, and changes in leadership. I consider most of the people who show up pretty good friends, and most of those friends I met in club - and we get new people moving in and out of the group all the time. But, it being open to anyone in the student body, sometimes people who don’t exactly ‘click’ with the rest of the group show up.
    For the most part, none of us really mind. Some of the people are pretty awesome, even if they don’t come every week, and we usually hang out at one of our houses at the end of the night after club is over, so anyone who proves to be a bother isn’t a huge issue - they just don‘t get invited along. Any annoyance we deal with during club is just an annoyance at club - and that’s all. Even then, we don’t typically run into any huge problems.
    It being a gathering where we watch things on a single TV - typically recently released movies or new episodes of series we’re all following - the greatest annoyance is background noise. We have club rules (posted, as well as in a binder for anyone to look at) against playing videogames with the sound on, loud conversation, loud, unrelated talk or discussion (that’s what the student center is for!) and general distraction. Anyone who breaks these rules doesn’t just get kicked out of the room without a chance to stop being distracting - they get Warnings. After a number of Warnings have been issued to the same person, the Officers of the club meet and discuss what action to take - usually this ends up in some sort of confrontation, and if it’s really bad, a month long suspension. Multiple suspensions may result in a Ban, but this has yet to happen - and we‘ve only ever issued one suspension. Depending on how distracting or inconsiderate a person is being, warnings may range from 3-10 or not even counting. After all, we’ve all been excited by something or laughed inappropriately loudly, or forgotten that there aren’t subtitles on if it’s an anime, so it’d be wrong to give someone a Warning because of a small slip up. But, when it’s a constant issue, like someone who comes in every club meeting and is known to make a lot of noise or be generally disagreeable to the majority of the room, it can be a little difficult to deal with. We’ve had to deal with such an issue a number of times, and it usually follows the same steps:

-The person comes in and rather than sit and watch what’s on the screen, will attempt to strike up loud or unrelated conversation.
-They are asked to please quiet down or leave the room if it‘s really bad. This may happen multiple times before a warning occurs.
-Feeling like the people who issue the warning (typically one of the top three officers of the club) are ‘mean‘ or ‘unfair,’ the person being Warned will sit in the back of the room and complain to anyone who will listen about how rude and hateful we are.
-The person being Warned will continue to attend the club, every week, and continue to complain from the back, or carry on having loud conversations or being distracting, and receiving warnings.
-Tension will eventually reach a head, and the person is confronted by our ‘Warden’ - aka, the Officer responsible for dealing with people who are being a constant bother.
-The person storms out and may return at a later date, more subdued, or not at all - though they may continue to complain about us outside of the group.

Morals, and 'Morals'

One of my friends believes that religion, ALL religion, is pointless superstition. He has taken the stance, more or less, that most religious conflicts come down to ‘who has the best imaginary friend.‘ I don’t know that I completely disagree - many laws and rules come off as archaic and discriminatory in modern society (rules preventing women from being as ‘free’ as men in society, or rules against homosexuality for example) and it can be difficult to pin point which laws were formed with the goal of making a peaceful society or just giving religious significance to things already in place. If you’re interested in reading more on that, take a moment to google “why are there religious laws against pork.‘

What exactly is this kid supposed to honor here?

Other things, like the Judeo-Christian commandment “Thou shalt not commit Murder” or the Buddhist precept against killing other living beings are pretty intuitive - killing people is terrible in that it causes pain, loss, etc. Others, like “Honor they mother and father” can be a little trickier. What if your parents don’t care about you, abuse you, make poor decisions and put you in danger constantly? Are you still required to honor them?

I think there’s a difference between ‘religious’ morals and just plain morals. ‘Religious’ morals dictate doing or not doing something “Because you should/n’t,” and if you do, some great, invisible being in the sky will punish you at some point. Just plain old morals are personal and constantly developing, and drive you to do what you consider right or wrong based on your beliefs. There’s a lot more wiggle room, and - I believe - actions driven by one’s own experience-based morals tend to more sincere and thought out.

Surviving Dreams

Dreams, in the sense of goals, fantasies, desires and wishes for the future, play such a big role in western culture. So much of what we do is about plotting and planning for the future.

We save, we scrimp, we sacrifice and fight to achieve things later - and once they’ve passed, we’re still looking forward. Consumerism in our daily lives provides lots of examples in the ads we see everywhere: buy this insurance so if something happens later you’re prepared. Buy this gum so that if a kiss comes your way your breath doesn’t stink. Buy these clothes so your children will make friends at school. Buy this car to impress a possible date.

Buy these so that you don’t spend thousands on clothes/food/healthcare/college!

Certainly, I’m not saying it’s unwise to plan for the future. We know that an event in the past has direct effect on the future, and we like to be prepared for things. But we focus so much on what’s coming. I’ve been told in the past that we don’t move forward without cause - the only reason we hunt is because we’re hungry for something. We shoot for dreams: once we’ve captured them, we settle in, satisfied - or complacent. It’s either that or find something more to hunt down.

What about me? Do I have dreams?

What's in a Name?

I still haven’t figured out a satisfying response I can use to answer the question, “What religion are you?”

My problem?

After several months, I think I’ve made a lot of progress on finding something that works for me - but I’m not really sure what I’d call it.

The way things work right now, I’ve learned a lot about some common divination systems (dowsing, Tarot and Runes) but I use them for introspection - not telling the future.

I’ve learned to have a certain amount of affection for various plants (I now have a favorite birch tree in a nearby park) but I don’t feel that they can actually talk to me in any verbal sense, though I sometimes feel like I’m getting some sort of response to my presence near them.

I celebrate the Sabbats - the equinoxes and solstices, and the cross-quarter holidays that come between them. I honor the concept of the God and Goddess, but when I do, I’m honoring the idea of them inside myself. I do not get the sense that there are actually any gods or goddesses watching over me or controlling my fate.

I’ve definitely found what feels like a home in Paganism - getting closer to the earth, being more nature aware, being more in tune with my body and my environment, and learning to be more empathetic towards the people around me are all things I’ve found to be encouraged under the umbrella of Pagan beliefs. I’ve found a lot of encouragement to research not only spirituality, but art, history, culture and literature. Still, I’ve run into a lot of stuff that mixes the religious aspects of what I’ve found with what feels like a lot of metaphysical fluff.

Lately I’ve been calling myself a Pagan - but is it possible to be Pagan, but worship no gods? To practice rituals without believing in magic?

Remembering the Snakes in Ireland

I know I haven’t posted in forever - but I also know that no one probably actually reads this blog, so I’m not completely concerned. My attention has been held by work and some personal questions about my ’spiral path’ that came to a head with the discovery of the well written and often educational blog Native Appropriations (I highly recommend checking it out, regardless of what ethnicity you may claim).

Still, it being St. Patrick’s day here in the US, I felt I should recognize the history behind this holiday and it’s relation to my current leanings.

While in America it’s a holiday for vaguely celebrating (for most Americans, at least) Irish heritage via drinking, consuming boiled beef, and excessive wearing of the color green, it is important to remember that this is a Catholic Saint’s holiday - St. Patrick. He is venerated for having ‘driven the snakes out of Ireland.’ What a lot of people don’t realize is that those ‘snakes’ were actually heretical or pagan practices and beliefs held by the natives of Ireland, doggedly oppressed or co-opted by the Christian church in order to convert the pagan populace.

While the years of his birth and death are still debated, and records confuse whether or not the man ever actually existed (or was even multiple figures sort of crammed into one) If historians have it right, the man who became St. Patrick actually started his life as Maewyn (or Gaewyn, depending on your source), himself a pagan. In his teens he was sold into slavery by raiders who had taken him from his village, and during his six years of slavery began having spiritual dreams, one of which is alleged to have shown him how to escape and led him to seek service to the church.

    While he may have established schools and churches, according to legend he was just as willing to raise a hand to bless and aid as he was to curse and destroy. He did so in the name of driving out the pagan beliefs of the country and while I have yet to find a source to confirm it, I keep seeing again and again that he admitted to being 'forced' to:

"…curse their fertile lands, so that they became dreary bogs; to curse their rivers, so that they produced no fish; to curse their very kettles, so that with no amount of fire and patience could they ever be made to boil; and, as a last resort, to curse the Druids themselves, so that the earth opened and swallowed them up."

In the name of converting them to Christianity, of course - since much of the population initially resisted conversion, even under penalty of death. He even altered pagan symbols in his efforts at winning converts.

The three leafed clover, the Shamrock, was already a sacred symbol when he arrived: it symbolized the Morrigan, a goddess with three aspects. He used it instead as a symbol of the Christian trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We remember him on his believed death date, March 17 - and even after his death, his legend hid Pagan beliefs behind the stories of the Church. His funerary shroud is said to have been made by St. Brigit - the Christian colored version the Celtic Goddess of the same name.

From what I’ve encountered, there are a handful of stories describing St. Patrick ‘driving out the snakes.’ Among others, one involves drumming, another involves leaving a single snake, and the last involves tricking a snake into a box. The drumming story involves a sermon on a hill (yay Christ imagery!) and an angel coming down from heaven to repair the drum which Patrick was using to drive out the snakes. In the second story, an old snake living in Lake Dilveen was so difficult to drive out that the Bishop let him be and promised to return on Monday to finish him off. According to legend, every Monday the snake rises up to look about for the long dead bishop and declare, “it’s been a long Monday, Patrick.” The last story I’ve mentioned has St. Patrick presenting a box for a snake to get into so that he can be sealed away. When the serpent says it is too small for him to fit, St. Patrick convinces him to prove it is too small by climbing in anyway. When the snake does, the box is closed around him and cast into the sea.

Also, put on some pants.

Remembering that these ‘snakes’ represent the nature worshipping people and their beliefs, many of the almost whimsical legends about St. Patrick driving out the snakes become a bit morbid.

While pagan civilizations throughout history actively oppressed and executed Christians (remember the early Romans?) there aren’t a lot of holidays celebrating the act - and St. Patrick’s day is all about a man who led a crusade to convert (often forcibly) all manner of Irish people, and contributed to the murder of Irish Pagans and Druids, men, women and children alike.

While looking for information on this holiday, I stumbled on a facebook post comparing celebration of St. Patrick’s day to commemorating the death of any major Bishop in a position of power during the Spanish Inquisition. A different situation - but not by much.

I can’t speak for the Irish - my step-grandmother’s family on one side can claim Irish heritage, and it definitely influenced some or my memories of my childhood with her. But I can speak as someone who has been exploring a decidedly pagan path, and my take on the holiday is this:

While I’ll probably enjoy a beer tonight (I just turned 21, after all), I won’t be raising my glass in the name of St. Patrick, once Maewyn. Rather, I’ll be celebrating the approach of spring, the celebration of good times with friends, and the sprawl and mingle of all manner of cultures with one another. I’ll be remembering the culture, history and people wiped out and hidden during the spread of Christianity through Ireland and Scotland, and the many generations after. Or, should I say, incompletely wiped out: the ‘snake’ at Lake Dilveen might approve.

Overall, though, I'll be celebrating. We all want an excuse to have a good time, and I'm not going to get high-and-mighty or defensive over this holiday. There is so little known about true druid traditions (which should say something about how effective the Church was in its conversions), and most of what exists today under the term of 'celtic' or 'druid' is either reconstruction or pure fantasy. While I try not make light of the oppression and murder of any people, It's hard to defend respect for traditions that can no longer be verified as traditional, and no matter what, this is a Christian holiday. In the end, what I've learned through my experience on this side of the ocean is that, what with Shamrock shakes and green beer, it's best to not take it too seriously and just try to have fun. After all, if the majority of the people this holiday is 'holy' to don't treat is as such -  should I?

"Everybody's Irish on St. Patrick's day!" Even those from a galaxy far, far away.